Listen to the Silence

Listen to the silence..

I have heard music all my life.. I’ve heard loving words, yelling, laughing, sirens, talking, birds chirping on a beautiful spring morning. I am a vocalist and musician. I have four octaves and have been told I have an amazing voice. I sing and listen to music all the time.

I was in a relationship with a man who is deaf. He has never heard the emotion of music. He will never know that some music is so wonderful and amazing that will break his heart and bring tears to his eyes because of its beauty and emotion. He will never hear me sing.

When I moved to south Florida with its subtropical climate, I started getting severe earaches. Each time, antibiotics cleared it up from the pain, to that rolling metal ball feel and then suddenly I noticed that it was just .. gone .. and my life went on as usual but with only a loud surf in my head. The louder it got, the louder my voice got in my head and I started to speak very softly. My husband would touch my hand and I could see his lips ask me to speak up. When I did, it was shouting in my head.

One time, though, I never felt the pain, and for a month and a half I was deaf. When my husband and I were in the store, he’d touch my hand and mouth the words asking if I needed whatever was on the shelf. One morning I woke up and my daughter came out of her room with her hands over her ears as a water heater has burst in the apartment above, there was water flowing out of all of the electrical outlets and the smoke alarm was going off incessantly. I didn’t hear it. But I also didn’t think about correcting it but somehow, deep inside, I knew it wasn’t permanent.

The final straw was when I took my daughter to school and when I got home my neighbor came up to me telling me I was about to blow my engine because there was no oil in it and it was making horrid sounds.

I immediately went in and got my husband and went back to the clinic and in two days I had my hearing back. I’d had the surf in my ears and head for so long that the silence of no surf sounds was deafening.. I could hear birds and sirens. I could hear my beloved daughter talking to me and I could hear her laugh.

My friend, Greg, will never get antibiotics to make him hear. Going to movies in theatres for him is very hard work. He has to watch lips and actions and the actor is speaking with his back to the camera, what he’s saying is lost.

I had my Josh Groban CD playing in my car and knowing how his music was affecting me wrenched my heart that Greg couldn’t hear his words of love that he was singing. I switched to Kenny Loggins. I kept putting in more and more touching music. Paul Potts.. Greg will never hear ‘Nessan Dorma’. Greg will never be able to go to Dinner Theatre with me and enjoy the productions as I do. But.. Greg has more to him than just not being able to hear. Greg has the joy of life. So many people don’t. They just ‘get through’ the day.

My friend Linda and I were talking about what would we do with ourselves if we lost our hearing.. as you read, I’ve sort of been there.. our sight .. I did a little bit of that as well. Once, in Salt Lake City, where I ran a sod yard and had to be on the lot by 6 am. So as not to waken my roommates, I learned to take showers, get dressed, etc (including shaving) in total darkness with my eyes closed. I could do it, but I’d hate every second of it.

But if it really would happen, what would we do with our lives? I’m a musician, artist and photographer. What would I do? What would I do if I couldn’t hear OR see? The mind boggles.

I enjoyed having this man in my life for as long as we were supposed to hang out. He and another disabled man were both in my life for a major reason. Both are nearly mensa with their intelligence. The other man, Tony, gifted me with a production computer where I can do my part filming and editing documentaries. I can create gentle meditations. We can do so many wonderful things with this medium I’ve longed to have in hand for decades. My gratitude in knowing these wonderful people is endless.

And we are all in this together to do great works. We are here to bring awareness to others what I had no clue of. And it’s going to be amazing.. and truly humbling. Especially for me.. I am blown away with what I’m learning and I will bring to you all what I learn as the adventure goes on.

Copyright 2008, From Bekki Shanklin’s “Thinking all the time” series